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Last night, I sat in the hot tub and tried to catch up on reading while tom entertained Ella inside. She kept coming over to the sliding glass door and blowing me kisses, signing "Mama" and dancing. Somehow, without sound, it seemed so much more precious, a distilled version of our every day lives. I smiled at her, waved, and went back to my book, because I had 200 pages to read.
Had you been checking LJ at 12:02 today, you may have seen the following post:
"Ella in the other room
Too quiet
Oh my god the door
open
She is there, in a tiny purple dress, on the sidewalk, contemplating the curb
I can not even think
we live on a busy street"
Which I quickly made private, because in part, I could not admit it had just happened. The thousand and two things that could have happened, which i can not even bring myself to write, swam in front of my eyes, and she refused to sit on my lap, refused to let me warm up her toes. She wanted back outside, where there were people and cars and dogs. I had to leave, and gave the short version of what happened to Pam when she got here. Ella would not kiss me goodbye, still mad that i had not let her stay outside and play. I was so very mad at myself also.
When i got back from class and could finally talk about it without crying, Pam told me about how J, Tom's older sister had fallen in a river when she was little, and had started floating down stream. They had panicked, but had been able to pull her out, cold and wet and crying. Pam laughed and told me it happens to everyone, and I nodded, because yes, I remember when Ean wandered out of the yard, and I remember Luke running away in his diaper over and over. Kid's are ornery and sneaky and smarter than we think they are.
But that doesn't make me feel any better.
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